Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
