It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
