The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
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