I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
