I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Randomize
