I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
