I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize