For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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