The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
