we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I FOUND THE LEGS
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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