If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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