News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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