i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
