I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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