Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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