She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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