sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Did I show you my penis last night?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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