he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Randomize
