im six kinds of drunk right now
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
