Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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