I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
