What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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