I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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