The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
