every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
