someone threw a dead crab at me
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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