the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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