dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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