His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
