my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
