Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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