how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
