I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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