im six kinds of drunk right now
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
