i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
