there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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