Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
