I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
