I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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