Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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