i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
