You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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