***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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