If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
