he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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