did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
