next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
