I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
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