I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
