i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
dude i'm inner monologue high
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
