you guys were way drunker than both of me
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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