Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
