I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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