I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
