Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
