Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
