i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize