so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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